- God bless you. - Thank you.
If I don't bring Kay back to MiB, Serleena's gonna kick my ass.
- Now, where is he? - Where is who?
You don't look too good.
Yeah, and you look like crap.
I take that back. He look like crap.
- Bend him! - Bend him.
Wait, don't bend him.
Damn decent of you.
Don't mention it.
- I'm gonna be sick. - You don't wanna do that.
- Fellas, I think he's telling the truth. - Then he's no good to us.
- Didn't I teach you anything, kid? - Pineal eye!
Go for the mosh tendrils!
Kay, he's a ball-chinnian.
- You were in a tight spot. - I handled it.
- You need a partner. - I had one. Job got too tough.
I'm back. You got some dust on your coat.
So you got your memory back.
- What the hell is going on? - Don't know.
- The Light of Zartha? - Never heard of it.
Cool.
You don't remember the Light of Zartha?
Must've neuralyzed myself to keep it from myself.
- Good plan. What you doing? - I do the driving.
- Wait, no. Whoa. - I remember that.
What you remember is you used to drive that old, busted jawn.
I drive the new hotness.
Old and busted, new hotness.
Old busted hotness.
- Serleena, please. - Been a long time, Zed.
I'm just touched you remembered me. Makes me fuzzy all over.
Never forget a pretty whatever you are.
Zed?
Zed? Look at you.
Twenty-five years, and you're still such a looker.
Cut out the meat and dairy.
And you, still a pile of squirmy crap in a different wrapper.
So feisty. Look, we both need the same thing.
Bring him in.
Don't think so.
What about the Light's secret? If it's not off Earth by midnight...
...it self-destructs, annihilating your little planet.
I lose, you lose. I win, everything keeps spinning.
You don't want the Light on Earth any more than I do.
All right, Serleena.
You win.
Zed? Is that you? I could be Agent Em.
Zed. Hello?
So feisty.
Fastest way back to MiB, you take this right on 39th.
Right here. Right.
Next right on 37th.
Right here. Right!
We're not going back.
Headquarters has been breached, man. We need to peel caps and split wigs.
Not ready.
Look, you've been out for five years. That's a long time.
I understand you're scared. I'm a little scared too.
- I'm not scared. - Me neither.
I just thought we was bonding.
You're acting like a rookie. Splitting wigs and stepping on caps.
- No wonder Zed brought me back. - He did it because you messed up.
Your attitude makes for a stressful environment.
Tell it to the hand. Stressful is what we got back at MiB.
Exactly. Serleena broke into MiB in order to lure me back.
Into a trap.
Which is why we can't bust in there.
We need a plan. Where we going? Scene of the crime?
- You're the boss. - Scene of the crime. That's a left.
I'll contact the witness. We'll talk to her.
Things have changed. We used to neuralyze witnesses.
See, originally, I'd...
No, I was going to... I interrogated her.
- Then neuralyzed her? - What?
MiB code 773ll-1 clearly states that all civilian personnel...
- Drop that weapon! - No!
Jay, I'm... I'm sorry.
No, no, I'm fine. It's my fault.
Kay, my partner. Laura, the witness.
Pleasure.
Thanks for sending those agents over to keep an eye on me last night.
MiB procedural code 594-B...
...states that MiB personnel shall never be used...
Ben, the Zarthan, was vaporized here. I assume the perp was over here.
Ben.
- Was he 5'7", thinning hair? - You knew him?
Nope. Never seen him before in my life.
That is a hell of a fish.
Wait a minute.
You left yourself clues?
In case I was deneuralyzed because my replacement couldn't handle it.
If the joker that had got deneuralyzed hadn't created the situation...
Boys.
All right. You pointing at something.
Excuse me.
The astronaut.
Jay?
Okay, all right. He's pointing...
He's like...
Who would stack boxes like this?
A box stacker who's not stacking boxes. He's leaving clues.
It's an arrow.
- Jay? - You're slowing me down, slick.
Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets, right here.
Anchovy filets in virgin olive oil.
I hope I'm not slowing you down.
Good work, partner. Yeah.
- We gotta figure out where it goes. - I know where.
- No. Not yet. - MiB code 773 clearly says...
I know the code, but she might be important to me.
To us. Well, for help. To help us later.
Well, she can't stay here. They'll be back.
- You can stay with friends of mine. - People like you?
Kind of.
Jay!
- Low bridge! - What's going on, man?
Hey, what's happening, fellas? MiB is code 101.
- Bad. - Very bad.
- I need your help. This is Laura. - Laura!
Easy, easy!
They're worms.
Once you go worm, that's what you'll yearn.
- That's what they say. They just: - I've dated worse.
They're suspended for stealing from duty-free.
- We were framed. - Zed's wormophobic.
- Kay! - You're back!
- They said you were dead. - We're double-parked.
Laura's very important to me.
To us. To the stuff... Me and you, the stuff we're doing.
- Keep an eye on her. - I'll keep both on her.
No problem!
- Why don't you sit here? - Like you got a shot.
Hey, shut up!
My communicator, in case you need it.
- Nice move. - Okay.
- Just watch out for Neeble. - Which one's Neeble?
- Which one of y'all is Neeble? - Yo, mama!
Him, right there. It's fine. Everything's straight. It's safe.
Don't fall asleep.
Twister!
Run over your plan one more time. I'm struggling with it.
You neuralyzed memory of the Light but left yourself clues.
Right.
Photo pointing to a key in a pizzeria which opens a locker at Grand Central.
- In the locker, we'll find another clue. - That's the plan.
- I like to keep my enemies confused. - We're all confused.
- Are you gonna slow me down? - Your brain's working on old software.
Why don't you go grab us some coffee?
Sure. How do you take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss my ass?
I don't know what's in there, so step back.
Kay, for real, man. Open the damn locker.
Kay! He's back! The light giver!
All hail Kay! All hail Kay!
Oh, Kay, can you see By the dawn's early light
You are the man who would be king of the train locker.
Praise Kay!
Oh, good and gentle townsfolk of Locker C-18...
...did I leave anything here? - Yes. The timekeeper.
Left to illuminate our streets and hearts.
- I've been looking everywhere for this. - Merciful one! The clock tower!
I got y'all, it's cool. Check this out.
Titanium case. Waterproof to over 300 meters.
- That's banging. - Who are you, stranger?
Jay.
All hail Jay! All hail Jay!
Oh, Jay, can you see
- Oh, merciful Jay, the keeper of... - Come on.
- Wait! The commandments! - The tablet!
The tablet! The tablet! The tablet! The tablet!
We have lived by its word, and peace has reigned throughout our world.
Pass it on to others! So that they too may be enlightened!
Be kind! Rewind!
Reconcile your past...
...in order to move into your future!
Two for one every Wednesday.
Give twice as much as ye receive on our most sacred of days.
Every Wednesday.
Large adult entertainment section in the back.
That's just nasty.
- What's with the video card? - Don't know.
- The watch? - A reminder.
- Of what? - Can't remember.
Guess.
I guess we have till midnight. 59 minutes to figure it out.
Look. Here's an idea. Let's stop chasing butt-backwards clues...
...get a couple fission carbonizers and get our headquarters back.
It's all about to make sense, kid.
Is this card valid?
- This card hasn't been used in years. - I've been away on business.
- Billions of frequent flier miles. - Try and use them.
I wanted to go to Cambodia. You can get a lobster dinner for a dollar.
The airlines black out holidays. It's a conspiracy, I'm sure, I mean...
Can you tell us anything about the account?
You never checked out a tape.
You reserved one once, but you never picked it up.
- Newton. - There's a rat in the toilet.
It's all stopped up. You're gonna have to pee in the sin...
- Still think I'm paranoid? - Yeah.
Gentlemen, my name is Newton. I run the place. Seen any aliens lately?
- You need professional help. - He's getting it. It's not working.
Okay, so, new case, huh?
Episode 27, Light of Zartha.
Got it.
Jarra, it's a sin they've kept a genius like you locked away.
Their agent Jay caught me siphoning ozone to sell on the black market.
They're touchy about global warming.
I need a spacecraft that can travel 300 times the speed of light.
I'll give you whatever you want.
- Give me Jay. We'll call it even. - Groovy.
You've got till midnight.
Gatbot, I got a little something special for you.
Newton? Newton, is that you?
Yes, Mom, I'm up here with some friends.
I wanna have your baby.
Would you like some mini-pizza?
You guys want some mini-pizzas? They're good.
They're like mini-bagels, with pizza stuff on them.
She'll put a little fontina cheese on.
She has palsy, so she ends up putting a lot of cheese on.
No, thanks, we're cool.
All right.
Over here.
This is it.
Finally some hard evidence.
Gentlemen, before I play the tape, one question:
What's up with anal probing?
Aliens travel billions of light years just to check out our...
Boy, move.
Okay. Just a question.
Here is one of their stories that "never happened"...
...from one of their files that doesn't exist.
1978. Devastating war of Zartha had raged on for 50 years.
Looks like Spielberg's work.
But the Zarthans had a great treasure, the Light of Zartha.
A source of power so awesome, it alone...
...could mean victory and restoration for the Zarthans...
...or complete annihilation, if it fell into the hands of the Kylothians.
A group of Zarthans made the journey, led by the Keeper of the Light...
Lauranna.
...Princess Lauranna.
Lauranna beseeched the Men in Black to help her hide the Light on Earth.
But they could not intervene.
No.
It was night.
And it was raining.
You've been very wise.
Kay, please. If Serleena takes the Light, it's the end of our world.
If we extend protection for the Light beyond Earth...
...we put Earth in jeopardy. We must remain neutral.
- Where is it? - We're neutral, remember?
If you want it, go get it.
No!
And so never knowing it happened...
...the people of Earth were once again saved...
...by a secret society of protectors...
I shouldn't have.
You never sent it off the planet.
You hid it here.
The worm guys.
Are you one of Newton's friends from therapy?
- Yes, ma'am, I am. Look here, please. - Would you like some mini-pizz...?
A neuralyz...
Okay, first, get some contact lenses.
Joints look like they pick up cable.
Second, take her to Cambodia. Get her lobster. Pay more than a dollar.
Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia...
...move your bum ass out of your mom's house.
- Let's go. - Boy, you like 40 years old.
- Agent Jay? - All right, all right.
And there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
- You wanna go to Cambodia? - Yeah.
Hey, Mom?
Communicator, Jay.
- Laura, it's me. - Jay, we're playing Twister.
What's up, Jay?
- Quit touching my butt! - I thought it was your face.
They're good at this. They don't have spines.
They were telling me about Oprah, from Chicago.
Maybe landed in Chicago.
- Are you wearing a bracelet? - Yeah.
Is it glowing?
- It's never done that before. - We're on our way.
Communicator, Frank.
Deactivate the lockdown. We're headed to the worm guys. We found the Light.
Got it, Jay. Scrad?
Bitch.
Why didn't you say I love you?
- He's a dog. I don't even like him. - No, the girl. You're sweet on her.
That's why you didn't neuralyze her. You got emotionally involved.
- Like you did with Lauranna? - I put the entire planet in danger.
I don't want to see you making my mistakes.
Whatever, man.
Laura?
Damn!
Never stood half a chance.
Oh, boy.
That's gonna leave a scar.
- Where's Laura? - MiB headquarters.
- Some dumb two-headed guy. - They got the bracelet.
We got 39 minutes. You guys...
...pull yourselves together.
Damn.
That's feeling better.
- Hey, guys, wait up! - Let me grab my drink!
Serleena has the bracelet. Why take Laura?
She also wants me.
- What's the book say? - We're off book. I say split some wigs.
- We need wig-splitting weapons. - Got them.
Paw Paw's coming to visit me. Hello, Paw Paw.
Paw Paw and ZuZu love to see what's going on in the garden.
Don't worry, folks. I used to live here. Came to pick up a few things.
Nice place.
See you.
You did not see a room full of weapons or four aliens.
You will cherish and love each other for the rest of your lives.
Which could be the next 28 minutes, so get to loving and cherishing.
And she can stay up as late as she want...
...and have cookies and candy and stuff.
Four minutes to launch.
- Your ship is ready. - Good. Send it to Kyloth now.
Ready, guys?
Lock and load, baby.
- You ready, kid? - Kid?
I saved the world from a Kreelon invasion.
They're the Backstreet Boys of the universe. They throw snowballs?
Know what you're doing?
I'm about to attack one of the most feared aliens...
...with four worms and a mailman. Let's make it hot.
No, no, wait!
A code 101 lockdown!
The building gets pressurized. Nothing in, nothing out. I knew that.
Yeah, you knew. Front and center, worms!
You got it.
It's about time you guys got here. That lady is causing all kinds of hell.
Yummy. Someone I need to eat.
Get to the launch pad. The bracelet shows the departure point.
- Do not come back for me. - What?
Do not come back for me.
- Worm guys, give me some cover fire. - Too scared, can't move.
Go!
- Limber. - Go to subcontrol panel 7-R-Delta.
- Shut off power so they can't take off. - Can't. Too scared.
- That way. - Away from the bullets.
No problem.
Nice to see you again, Kay.
- Three minutes to launch. - Jay!
Three minutes to launch.
Hello, Jay. Long time.
Jarra! What's up, man? You look great.
- What's it been? Five years? - And 42 days.
You count every one when you're locked away.
You shouldn't have tried to steal our ozone. Be there in one minute.
Over our dead titanium bodies!
Two minutes.
Let's play this one by ear.
- I should have vaporized you before. - You really did love Lauranna.
Didn't you, Kay?
You silly little man.
Two minutes to launch.
Just go, I'll be fine!
What you talking about? I'm winning.
Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly...
...and for making that many copies. Surrender!
I want him in pieces.
Jarra Jr. Is going, going...
...gone!
- Rectum. - Damn near killed him!
Never get tired of that one.
- Where do we shut off the power? - Don't know.
- I'm fine. I'll be there in a minute. - No, he won't.
Down to one now, Jarra!
Thirty seconds to launch.
Fifteen seconds to launch.
Ten seconds to launch.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Launch terminated.
- What did you mean, leave you? - Well, he took your gun.
Cracked your head. Slammed you across the room.
- Half the time you were on your back. - Look, that's how I fight.
You've lost, you insignificant speck.
You've wasted 25 years of my time, and for what?
The total annihilation of Zartha. All because you went mushy.
I'll give you one last chance to surrender, you slimy invertebrate.
- What are you gonna do to stop me? - Not me. Him.
Your flight's been canceled.
Shut down power. Shut down power. Buttons, buttons. I'm guessing...
Yeah.
- Worms! - Sorry.
- Give me the bracelet. - I'm going with you.
Everybody in the car. Everybody.
This bracelet is what everybody's been after?
It's often something small.
It's not the Light. It tells us the departure point.
If we don't get there in 11 minutes...
...that bracelet will go nuclear and destroy Earth.
What?!
Hello.
- Wait. - I know what I'm doing.
Damn.
- Modified to hyper-speed! - Seat belts.
What's that?
At hyper-speed, you have to use the navigational stalk.
Toggle switches for the ailerons. Joysticks for the stabilizer and rudder.
I just want you to know...
Hold on to that for one second.
Computer, worms.
I said, "Bitch, if you don't want me to kick your skinny Zone Diet ass...
...turn around and exit the planet." - Frank, where are you?
Main hall, egg display.
We're taking fire. Kay pushed the red button.
Computer at MiB can destroy bogey. I'll walk you through it.
Jay? Frank. You were the best darn partner a Remoolian could ever have.
Godspeed.
Frank? Frank?
Okay, here we go, automatic pilot.
- It is not automatic piloting. - He doesn't operate at hyper-speed.
- I could use a steering wheel! - This is what we got.
- Didn't you ever have a Game Boy? - What's that?
You know what? Move.
That is not the navigational stalk!
Okay, straight down.
Idiots.
Subway may not be the best place to lose her.
- Where is he? - He?
Jeff. Hang on!
Oops.
Teeth.
Running out of time, Kay. Where is the Light?
Right here.
- What? - What, I'm the Light?
- No. No way. - You have a planet to save.
You're mistaken. I work at a pizzeria.
Two days ago, I was running a post office. You are who you are.
Laura, you are the Light.
The leader of your people. Their spirit and their hope.
The power is within you to save a planet.
I protected you until it was your time. Your time is now.
You will save a world. You know things before they happen.
- I'm a Libra. - You're Zarthan.
- When you get sad, it rains. - Lots of people get sad when it rains.
It rains because you're sad, baby.
It's not fair.
Never is.
We are who we are...
...even if we sometimes forget.
Jeff, I am so not in the mood for you!
Get back in the subway! Now!
That's not good.
Wait! No!
Jay!
I cannot emphasize strongly enough how much we need you on that transport.
Laura! You have to go!
Oh, jeez.
Go. He's fine. He does this all the time.
Nope!
About to lay the smackdown on your candy ass.
Laura! It's your destiny!
I was talking, Kay!
Hey! No biting.
If you don't go, we all die.
You're just as beautiful as your mother.
Kay? A little help?
Kay?
Might I suggest a bigger gun?
- Kid? - Yeah.
- Thanks for bringing me back. - No problem.
Why didn't you tell me?
Would you have let her go?
So, what's it like on the outside? Not doing this every day?
It's nice.
Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel.
I did miss this city.
So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter.
- Did y'all...? - MiB's a mess. Let's go, kid.
Let's go?
Thousands of people in New York and New Jersey saw our little event.
Plan needs to be thought out. Plan needs to be cool. What you...?
Kid, I'll get you trained yet.
I want one of those.
Damn!
- Hey. - Hey.
- How you doing? - I'm good.
We've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk?
- No. - I can help.
No.
Still sulking?
- No. - Yeah.
You miss her. It happens to all of us. I knew this hot young thing.
When our bodies were in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Zed!
Come on, man! Damn!
I'll tell you about dames.
They say they want to be scratched, but they really want:
Hey! Frank.
What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
No. No advice.
No talking.
Hell, no.
Fellas, I swear, I'm fine.
All hail Jay! All hail Jay!
- I brought them from Grand Central. - Why put them in my locker?
I thought it would put things in perspective.
It's kind of sad. We need to let them out.
They need to know the world is bigger than that.
Still a rookie.
Whoa.